If I could sit down with my brain, I’d​ say

There are occasions when I’d like to pop my mind on a chair and say  “shut the fuck up” but don’t, even if I could, because my mind despite being annoying, makes me snigger at its dark quips, confusion and profanities.   Likewise, I crave nestling into the cosy religion of comfort so I can follow the herd and bath in routine and nod my head in agreement with the crowd.

My mind picks holes in everything. My long-standing cynicism is driven by a genuine desire for clarity, regarding the purpose of human existence.  Shamanism has been my safe nest for consolation for well over 25years, but it can’t appease my cynicism that whittles annually on these questions,

 

“What is the point of life?

‘Why are we here?”

This is a direct flight to Nihilism.

Nihilism is the belief that there is no point or meaning to life. When my inner nihilist takes centre stage, this girl wallows for hours about the lack of meaning in life interspersed with woeful lines delivered with a furrowed brow  ‘ life is meaningless,  end it, kill yourself. It’s pointless’

 

This sounds distressing but isn’t.  I’m familiar with this landscape because my little nihilist arrived when I  was  9yrs when God took my dear granny, she as glad she loved God, I was sad. Fortuitously tough times have taught me to let my inner Nihilist take the stage and rant, while I sit back and listen with intrigue.

When my beautiful mother died in 2017, I had the unfortunate task of having to communicate with her sadistic, abusive, sociopathic husband. His manipulative games and crocodile tears were wasted on me and his mind games were disappointingly juvenile and transparent.  But his venom and hatred towards myself and my brother who’d recently lost his leg in a motorbike accident, propelled me to challenge the point of humanity and question, why was mum taken and this retard left? grief gets you like that.

His lack of compassion and blatant pleasure gained by thrusting cruelty upon others crushed my belief that,

‘People are inherently good ’With this belief under scrutiny my nihilist bestowed thoughts such as,

‘why bother considering the well-being others, you oversensitive fool Alexia?  

 “Why care for others?  maybe this fuckwit of a man is giving you a wake up to think of only yourself and fuck everyone else.”

Was I projecting? perhaps I’m self-centred psycho too, I do good things as they make feel good, which is selfish and also kind.

During my trek into these darker dimensions, I fiercely question the few beliefs that truly anchor me;

  • Love is the ultimate achievement in life.
  • We are all interconnected, so love thy neighbour
  • Forgive the cruel and unkind as deep pain is fuelling their venomous actions.

These questions are portholes to exit the swamplands of Nihilistic misery. And In the absence of fighting or fearing this darker side of our psyche, the misery passes after a few weeks, if I’m lucky, within days as I’m so familiar with the landscape.

If I shared this with a psychiatrist, I’d probably be sectioned with my knickers at my ankles while a chemical cosh thrust is upon my arse.  This is not what you expect an experienced and fulltime Therapist to be sharing and I  don’t blame you questioning my sanity, I do regularly and endeavour to do so for as long as I’m in practice.

I’m pretty quiet about the daily successes that take place in my therapy room, but I’m going to brag at how good I am.  I’m amazing at my job, you know why? because I’m well-travelled in dark human experience, I get it, I’ve lived it, I listen and hear and feel their stories,  I walk beside them whilst helping them sketch out an improved map,  develop flexibility in mindset and approach to life. I amaze myself daily at how fantastic I am, which is why- I love my job.

Anyway, back to Nihilism.

Alongside my morbid side, I’m an alchemist and explorer who acknowledges the benefits of my inner nihilist journeys, into regions of consciousness, where the light is dim and sometimes,  where there is no light, at all.

I’m not fearful, I’m fascinated, and each time I’m immersed into these dark caverns, I discover more about the foundations of my operating system which left unexplored, may keep me trapped in existential fear.

Miss Misery is time-consuming and draining for me and those close to me, and frankly, I’ve a life to live, she needs to leave the stage.  Experience has taught me not to fight her, but seduce her.

Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning, and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer. “Joseph Campbell

This quote sets up a new landscape to explore,

‘How can I create meaning?’

Which brings me full of steam to the next stop, Absurdism, a belief that ‘human beings exist in a purposeless, chaotic universe ‘it’s a gentle stepping stone from Nihilism.  Absurdism invites a new character, the Sacred Clown, the creative who loves the darker sides of life and revels in the adventures in these bleaker dimensions and turn everything upside down.

The clown enables me to make meaning of my trips into Nihilism. The clown sits back, strokes her imaginary beard, pops on some jazz and laughs at the many insanities we encounter in life.

 “In a world of tension and breakdown, it is necessary for there to be those who seek to integrate their inner lives not by avoiding anguish and running away from problems, but by facing them in their naked reality and their ordinariness.” Sacred clowns are the epitome of such integration.

Thomas Merton

Flexibility and playful exploration is key to navigating life with greater ease.

3 Comments

  1. I take it your Mum’s husband wasn’t your Dad? What fascinates me, is what drew your Mum to such a man? Why do women (yourself included) and some men, punish themselves this way? I’ve seen it so many times, where young women would rather be in ANY relationship, than be on their own. I’ve supported three women, one to recover after such a relationship (not sure how successful that was) and two who are still in their relationships; one had kicked her man out with the help of the law, but took him back, but on notice; the other is now living seperatly but in the same house, with a two year plan to end the relationship, we’ll see if that comes to pass.
    Namaste Alexia x

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    1. Hi Andrew,

      No he wasn’t, thankfully.

      People get involved in difficult relationship for many simple and complex reasons.

      Low self esteem and poor early examples can be key in our decision making in later life.

      Everyone gets something they need from dysfunctional relationships, if it is being needed or being noticed, we all contribute to the chaos, often unknowingly.

      Read about the drama triangle this will help you get a better understanding of these odd dynamics.

      Namaste and thanks for stopping by and dropping a line, I appreciate that.
      Love
      Alexia x

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  2. I will do that. I think I do intuitively understand, just not intellectually, I lack your brain power. I do always try to bolster the self confidence/esteem of others, to encourage them to believe they deserve better and have the strength to seek it, but an always careful to lead, not push, that could be disastrous.
    Be well x

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